I began meditating once more; Me, my experiences and questions ((very) lengthy publish)

I attempted meditating a little bit over a yr in the past for a couple of days and it did made me really feel good, however I one way or the other stopped. I did not knew a lot about meditating in any respect and I did not do any analysis till yesterday. In any case, that is how I do it: I sit on a pillow, shut my eyes and really feel the air speeding by means of my lungs for 30 to 50 minutes, a couple of times a day. I think about a pitch black void and everytime a thought crosses my interior view, I visualize it as an image and a hand actually shoving it out of sight. That is all.

**A number of phrases about me:**

I am making an attempt to get that heavy weight of “weltschmerz” and melancholy off of my shoulders, to lastly have the energy to have the ability to change issues once more. I am a hardcore logical individual, introvert and I do not imagine in spirituality, as I believe it is principally chemistry and suggestion. Our mind is an interpreter for supply code referred to as thoughts or soul. Nonetheless, meditating appears to assist me get out of thought spirals and it makes me really feel higher about mainly every thing. I used to be sick two weeks in the past, I catched a hefty chilly, and had a number of time, so I believed I ought to attempt to meditate it away, as I at all times disliked pointless drugs. I additionally dislike pseudo-science, however I at all times knew that we’ve got sure capabilities to, for instance, heal ourselves to a sure lengthen with the precise mindset, simply as your notion of the world can drastically change as soon as you modify your ideas. I am fairly certain it is chemistry. The identical method placebos or religion can work wonders. (No disrespect to non secular individuals, that is simply how I give it some thought)

The explanation I began to do a little analysis within the first place was, I felt a tingling a little bit above my eyebrows, proper the place I visualize the black void. The primary two days of meditating, I believed nothing of it. Possibly it was brought on by the complications or the fever. However quickly I noticed a sample, that everytime I concentrate on a black void, it occurs. The chilly is gone and it nonetheless occurs. It isn’t on high of my pores and skin, however extra like in my brow, simply beneath the pores and skin. It feels unusual, as I am unable to discover a logical explaination. I stored doing my meditation each day and since I appeared to have discovered a sample, I naturally began to concentrate on that tingling. Everytime I did, I shoved it away similar to ideas or when some spot is itching. Ultimately that is how I got here to learn concerning the third eye for the primary time. I heard the phrase Chakra earlier than, however I by no means knew what it meant or what it was and to be sincere, I am a little bit scared to proceed after what I’ve learn. I am not spiritual and my thoughts reacts virtually allergic to devinities. The primary time I used to be in a church, I needed to throw up exterior. The second and final time I used to be in there, I used to be horrified by hundrets of individuals chanting in a low voice, a lot in order that I began crying. Church buildings in germany aren’t any enjoyable to me. They’re under no circumstances just like the “oh completely satisfied day” church buildings you realize from films. So I am a really empathic atheist agnostic and I do know I would like concord to be completely satisfied, greater than anybody I do know. However then once more, I am not superb when involves social interactions and connecting with individuals, so how would I do know?

I am residing with depressions for no less than 5 years now, however it’s not as unhealthy because it was three years in the past and I can really feel that it is getting higher and higher. I do not take drugs anymore. I ended taking them inside the first yr, as a result of they did not appear to do something for me. No tiredness, no uplifting, no change of thought, nothing! Like they had been smarties and only a method to become profitable out of someones distress. In case anybody desires to know, it was citalopram, thianeurax, quetiapin and venlafaxin. four various kinds of treatment a day, prescribed after the “physician” has requested me only a handful of questions. Relaxation assured, he’s not allowed to follow anymore.

I am additionally a heavy thinker. I am not saying that I believe I am sensible, I simply assume lots. If I need to or not, however earlier than I began to meditate, it was by no means about my very own self. It is about every thing else. Why is “this” or “that” the best way it’s and the way might or not it’s completely different and so forth. About why am I depressed and what can I do about it, however it was by no means about “me” earlier than. Certain, I ask myself “who am I?” sometimes, however that is not what I imply. It is exhausting to clarify, however I am certain a few of you’ll know what I imply with “my self”.

I do not take medicine and I’ve little interest in making an attempt any psychedelics. Although, I ended smoking weed fully a couple of months in the past, however I wasn’t a heavy smoker within the first place. I possibly smoked 1g, if in any respect, every week, as I favored a mellow excessive however I nonetheless wished to have the ability to write functioning code. Once I realized that it was extra of a behavior and never one thing I get pleasure from that a lot anymore, I simply stopped smoking it. And due to my low consumption, after one or two days, my psychological “want” for it was gone. Smoking weed helped me lots with my social anxieties. It was good for my thoughts at first, however it was unhealthy to my physique because of the tobacco, which I’ve to battle subsequent.

**Now let’s get to some questions:**

I am liable to horror and creepy tales, darkish stuff. Each few months I’ve to learn up on every thing I can discover till my mind says “cease it earlier than I develop into paranoid!”. You already know, the type of paranoid after watching a horror film 😀 Now, I believe I do know my mind and that it likes to be an a-hole sometimes, so I am a little bit scared to “meet” a few of these bizarre issues in my creativeness. It is one way or the other exhausting for me to really feel save and at peace after I shut my eyes and attempt to meditate. I can do it, however it would not come simple. Ought to I hand over studying these horror tales? Ought to I even proceed meditating with a slight really feel of “scariness”? I most certainly will, however any ideas on this?

Does anybody had comparable issues and may inform me easy methods to higher it? I believe I’ve a tough time with giving up management or one thing. Going to sleep shouldn’t be an issue in any respect although.

Additionally, is it regular to really feel the tingling in my brow straight away? My analysis introduced me to the completely different chakras, DMT journey and horrortrip experiences, guides, gurus and all that jazz. All scepticism apart, I’ve learn that I mustn’t “play” with the third eye except I am prepared, however it’s annoying when it begins tingling on a regular basis. I do not even know if it truly is the so referred to as “third eye”, how do I do know? Contemplating what I used to eat and drink in the course of the day, it ought to be inconceivable, if what I’ve learn is even remotely true. I do not imagine in most conspiracy theories, however I stumbled throughout fairly a couple of whereas researching. I have never spent any time with these although. My expertise confirmed me repeatedly that almost all theories make some sense as lengthy you do not analysis any additional or know any higher. As I mentioned, I am very logical, however open, so please attempt to enlighten me!

What can I do to enhance my expertise and the way can I steer my focus elsewhere? I one way or the other cannot change the “place” of my focus, similar to I am unable to change the place of my precise eyes. Once I visualize one thing, it occurs in that very spot. I can transfer the “projection” to anywhere I need, however it at all times feels just like the projections origin comes from that spot. I really feel it tingling, or rotating, or vibrating, even after I write/give it some thought, proper on this second, which is much more bizarre. It is exhausting to clarify. Proper now it seems like somebody is touching that spot, like a little bit little bit of stress. Is it suggestion? However why has it occurred with out me even realizing something about this matter earlier than?

One other thought I had was; How do I do know that my thoughts is making my head vibrate or power is increasing and I am not having a seizure or one thing? 😀 It didn’t occur to me however I learn that some individuals say “do not battle it”, “let it occur”. It is energies or chakras beginning to spin and such. However what if somebody is definitely in critical hazard? Hm, only a bathe thought.

**To shut down this already method too lengthy publish, that is my newest expertise:**

I placed on some sitar music on a low quantity and did the factor. I opened my eyes after round 45 minutes and it made me really feel very mellow. Every little thing appeared unusual, in a great way, but in addition well-known. Colours had been very vibrant and blurry for what felt like half a minute or so. Possibly shorter. Yesterday, after I began researching, I examine visualizing completely different colours, so I attempted to visualise a distinct colour each jiffy, which appeared to show up the saturation much more, in comparison with the times prior. Touching my legs and knees felt like they had been asleep, however not tingling or numb in any respect. It feelt good to “really feel once more”. Like all of the sensors the place on halt and rebooted. Like while you get up within the morning, however with out the entire dizzy feeling. I one way or the other have a tendency to go searching as if I simply got here again from someplace, despite the fact that I completely knew that I used to be in my livingroom the entire time. It additionally appeared to have barely altered my notion throughout the remainder of the day and was accompanied by a sense of wellbeing. Might be placebo, however I do not care an excessive amount of because the outcomes really feel higher from session to session. I assume I am doing one thing proper 🙂

What’s additionally completely different this time in comparison with final yr is, that I had no expectations after I began to follow once more. I additionally should say that, I did not noticed any of this after I first tried meditation over a yr in the past, after I was nonetheless smoking weed. Might be the explanation, I do not know. I felt extra peaceable and mellow, however it was not even near be as intense. But when it is that easy, why aren’t extra individuals working towards this? Why are psychologists prescribing treatment as an alternative of making an attempt such easy issues first? Possibly it would not work when one is continually desirous about the result? “Mammon”?

One other attention-grabbing reality is, that I began to alter what I eat and drink, with out anybody telling me to or desirous about it. I simply closely decreased my soda consumption and switched to water. I ate radish and cauliflower for the primary time in my life with none obvious purpose. I actually ate a pizza a day, nothing extra, generally much less. Possibly I modified it as a result of I used to be sick final week, however that did not stopped me earlier than both. Or I unconsciously know I’ve to alter. Possibly my melancholy lastly begins to tumble and falls aside. I did not felt unhealthy, I knew I used to be, however I had no indicators to really really feel that method. Because the logical individual that I’m, it is bizarre, it is a little bit bit scary, like one thing is out of my palms, however for good. Possibly I am changing into much less self-destructive. It is like every thing appeared completely different only a two weeks in the past. It is no epiphany nor a transsubstantiation, there may be nothing and nobody new in my life. If something, one thing goes away. It is like letting go of what was flawed within the first place, like slowly however absolutely eradicating a shell…

I apologize for this tremendously lengthy publish and doubtless a number of spelling errors. I attempted my greatest to shorten it.

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